Apr. 19th, 2010

blueimber: (Default)
the stresses of the ground shifting from under my feet
the vertigo of not knowing if you will fall and 
the fear that comes with knowing there is no one to catch you
if you cannot for yourself.

the determination then
to still be joyful
to still find those good things to love
moments in time, the happiness of others, true people being true to themselves-
holding onto the sense of accomplishment
that even just trying 
brings with it.

i knew the moment i found the letter what it was
and for the few steps to my apartment
i applied Schrödinger's theories to it
until turning the crisp white envelope over to open it.
i wondered how they would reject me
what terms
what feeling.
the words were smaller than i thought they would be, 
farther down on the page than i thought.
yet they still confirmed the truth
and pieces of my dream fell from my fingertips
as the letter also fell
onto the tiles of my floor.

i wrote;
'a life shattered a thousand times.'

i don't know, honestly
where i will go from here.

the horizon is open
the world is full and brimming with possibilities-
i just have to choose one and try again.
and try again
and try again
and try again
and try again....

i suppose i cannot be a conscientious objector to my own life, can i?

there is one thing i wish i had the option for;
handing in my day pass and returning to the countryside to raise animals.
like seriously spending a few years working on a farm.
planting things, watching things grow.
participating in the cycle of life.

i've been brainstorming options.
i am glad i have tax money coming in
and i have verified my extended unemployment benefits
so at least i know i will be able to pay my rent and my bills.
(a thanks to my mom, who came through with some emergency funds, who sometimes reads this...)

I don't want to return to the regular workforce
i am so tired of doing someone else's business while my own dreams
get put on hold....


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