Sep. 27th, 2010

blueimber: (Default)
Yesterday was the last day of the New York Renn Faire;
and while i love it there and love the people i get to spend all my time with
there is a big hole there where others used to be
that it just doesn't feel like the 'real deal' without-
old friends, musicians and acts; missing-
leaving a rather flavorless impression in my mouth;
in memory- this could be any year;
and i suppose i consider it a building year rather than 
a significance of anything else.

There were a few important things of note;
firstly, i got to participate for the first time in a Wench walk. 
I got to sing my favorite verse to 'Roll Your Leg Over'
(If Laddies were watches in shiny gold cases, i'd be the hands, and sit on their faces!)
and lay a big red smacker on my friend Ro; whose fiance had arranged his wenching
on the occasion of their engagement.
Nothing can really beat the face of the realizing victim
when they turn and see all of the lips and buxom women coming towards them
with wry, teasing and vixen-ish intent.  ^_^

i suppose;
being there for the high moments of others was awesome too;
to see Leslie hit her all-time high numbers, 
to show Hillary our flowers,
being the 'My Little Pony' of the horse clans;
Bee Time, random dancing, photobombs and 
a few other moments passing-
and yet the past season only felt like it was rehearsal;
the warm up for the real thing.
Maybe because i have seen so many seasons there-
maybe because the move and other things were preoccupying me-
maybe that is why i didn't feel like i was thoroughly engaged.

The most touching moment i felt was
when the EarthQuest parrot-peoples offered me one of their baby rabbits
to take home and love;
which i had to graciously decline-
someday there will be room for rabbits;
but that time has not yet come to pass.

Still, i would rather be at the faire than many other places;
rocking and roaring or quiet and introspective-
the faire is still the one place on earth where i feel more like i am home
than any other.

This week i am housesitting at my new diggs;
there is a rooster, a cat and dog and a pond of koi under my charge
and it is kind of nice to know that most of my company this week
is animals-
emotionally i think i am empty of most other cares for humanity;
i've just about been hollowed of everything i have to give
by those who only know how to take.

i have written a few things:

on my move:

No matter how strong I feel I am
Life always finds a way to break me
As stoic and steady as I try to be
Still always
I falter.

I can't do this by myself anymore
I don't want to always be so alone
I either want this life to
be done with me or to find my belonging
The transitionary
Just doesn't cut it

on having to break plans:

Destined to watch everyone
Enjoying those things I desire
While endlessly searching
For something fulfilling
For myself.

I do not begrudge them it;
I merely wonder
If ever it will come for me;
if ever I shall have that happiness
These moments spent in
The joy of sharing
And all love embodies-

Life keeps me from it;
Orchestrates complicated scenarios
Which give the impression
That I am aloof
Or somehow
Otherwise engaged
But the solid unabated truth
Remains that
I long;
That I am spent in longing
That I am constantly caught in daydreams of desire;
Sad melodies never to be realized.

i had thought to share some other writings
but doing so would be to point to specific indicators of my emotions and feelings
and i am not looking to lay fingers against anyone or thing;
sometimes my emotions so intense and so well hidden
that the startling truths behind them
revealed to those reading eyes
can cause more harm and havoc than
holding these passions in for the nonce
and only revealing them when more personal explorations may happen.

how many many candles i burn in the darkness;
how many dreams pass and fade in this solitude;
the promises in 'hello;'
how the empty and the hollow
make the world seem worse for wear
when in fact
it just happens to be the conditions of life;
those things we all must each learn how to deal with.

i will forever be this person who i am;
someone who seems to be a bottomless well of
devotion and love;
generous in her waters and her grace
desperately attempting to seed love
in the hopes it would bloom into succulent gardens;
humbled by the simple, fragile buds which at least
raise their heads
before the harsh realities
wither them all.

my dreams for a while 
in this new scenario
will be a little self focusing;
sometimes i must begin to keep myself away;
save those things up in reserve
and try
for the next time
to land true.

As i watch the words from my past
scatter under the blades of marching time;
they each remind me
be careful
be careful;
start again.

This has been your Emily-Update;
perhaps soon again i shall find more words.

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