Jun. 10th, 2017

blueimber: (Default)
i have no where else i can put this, as familial eyes have otherwise invaded all my other social media.

This is just the umpteenth time this has happened
and i am so angry and so heartbroken and
things like this make it even harder
to make any progress
out of the depression i have been in
for the past year and a half.

My birthday is this upcoming tuesday.
a few days ago my mother called and began leaving me messages about
'oh i want a 'playdate' with you for your birthday!'
Now already in the past 10 months
she has attacked me three times on family vacation for things i didn't do or say
repeatedly come into the city near a significant holiday or event to do something and has seen another one or two of my siblings without even bothering to tell me; even when they were less than 5 miles away
suggested that i would allow myself to be intoxicated when being a care provider for a minor (NEVER, NEVER NEVER NEVER WOULD I EVER EVER DO THIS, Not Alcohol, Not Weed, Not even Sleep Aids or Tylenol or Advil- NEVER)

But i; not wanting to end up estranged from my mother like my father was from his (who just passed away, whom my father refused to have a relationship with and therefore denied my sisters and i countless opportunities to have a relationship with; meaning that i haven't seen her in almost seven years and didn't get any chance to say goodbye to); tried to be the better person that she always seemed to want to teach me to be- called her back despite feeling like telling her that i would rather sit alone all day on my birthday than to feel like i was being 'treated' so that her guilty feelings for treating me like shit could be assuaged and that my affections could be so easily bribed.

I said; i have no weekends, short of tomorrow (meaning this saturday- today); but plenty of weekdays free. She said- Lets pick a weekday in July (when she gets back from Italy, before she goes to China- vacations, both). We pick a random day. We have to cancel random day because my father beeps through with the news of my Grandmother- his mother, passing away; My parents have been separated since i was 4, background)

So whatever, it is up in the air.

Today; doing nothing but watching TV and lounging in the house with my husband; go on Facebook.
My mother, posting a picture of her and my stepfather (and quite possibly my brother as well, their son together) at a delicatessen in NYC.
'A little lunch before we go to the theater, yay!'

The one free weekend day i have this month; which happens to be closest to my birthday.

i feel like a trash person.
someone you just throw away.
someone not even a mother could love.

my heart is broken because my father couldn't make sure his kids knew his mother because he was so bitter from years of depression for not getting over things done to him when he was teenaged, not even abusive things, just shitty things.
my heart is broken because i have forgiven my mother for abuses and shitty things from all aspects of my life for years and years and years-
you know, she picked my birthday when i was 5 to be the day we moved from our house to a rental property- one of my most vivid and early memories- she let the real estate agent tell me the night before as i was going to bed that my parents were divorced and that i would have to leave my house the next day.
she- beat me in the street because the first bike she bought me was too tall for my short little legs and i couldn't get started (i could ride it like a dream, i just couldn't reach the ground to kick off with a balance) while she sent my sisters around the loop- hitting me while they were out of site, then pretending to soothe me when they came back around- for four or five hours- the night before she left us for a summer on African safari with her then boyfriend- my one day stepfather. My sisters saw nothing- and they hate me to this day for even mentioning this; or how my mother told everyone i was lying about it until i was almost 20. Do you know what that does to a person?
and yet, for just some of these slights- and many more, too many to list, i remind myself that i have forgiven her for.
i have forgiven her for promising to help me move all day one day ten years ago- the drive was an hour from my apartment to her house- where i was going to stay for a few months to save for an apartment close to my job in the city- and when she showed up, with my little brother, she said 'you get a single load, i am not spending all day on this,' and my idiot kid brother threw out my whole wardrobe of expensive office clothing and kept bags of trash- while thousands of dollars in cookware and furniture and books and makeup had to be abandoned; as well as every porcelain and precious keepsake i had saved in all 28 years of my life at that point- went into the trash- broken- beyond saving. I had no one- no one who could have helped me save those items. I know it is just stuff, just junk- but they were mind and i loved them and i will never get them back- little porcelain rabbits and delicate swans, half a dozen snow globes with unicorns and castles and snowy scenes; the lamb shaped flower holder in which flowers came to my parents when i was born. All gone. Gone now.
and what could i do? cut her off over this?
despite that rend in my heart- no- i couldn't; i love her- i want so badly to be loved by her the way my siblings are- and i have no idea what i have ever done to be singled out this way- other than perhaps i am smarter than my siblings; able to see the truth of her selfishness where they only see a beloved mother who would never hurt them deliberately.

i am so tired.
i am so tired of it.

What would you do?
What do i do?

what do i do. I sit here, and i feel the emotion overwhelm me, and i vent it all out into this void, and i tell myself it would hurt her too much and not change or accomplish anything if i told her how devastated and hurt i am. and i continue to work on loving myself, being kind and considerate to myself, trying, desperately trying, to convince myself that i have worth; that i am worthy of better; that my love and forgivenessness of her makes me better than her; and that i should take pity on her that she won't ever see how cruel she is, how she hurts me- treat her as if she were a stranger- smile, nod, say yes- and otherwise avoid depending on her for support of any kind; avoid believing that she means it when she says she wants to see me and remember that when this happens, it is because she is assuaging some secret she doesn't want me to know that would otherwise be hurtful towards me.

i hope you enjoyed your day in the city, mother. i hope it was worth it.


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