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[personal profile] blueimber
i released three private entries today here for public view
from earlier this month
because the despair that had me down in them
has passed
and i feel like i can express the sentiments 
without causing anyone worry for myself or my state of being.

i try to remain grateful for every day;
and to not let my nerves overwhelm my somewhat sense of wholeness.

a while ago
a friend of mine implied through conversation that on this journal
i tend to bleed for everyone to see
and that the knowledge of this openness might turn some away-
but the further truth is that in ways i am always bleeding
i always have raw wounds upon me
there is always something underlying which prevents me from
committing to any good moment with 100% of myself;
knowing that eventually even perfect moments are unravelled by inconsideration and
the gentle abuse of taking another person for granted.

i cannot but think of when the time will come and i will be gone
knowing how much of today is wasted in waiting
in staying a little aloof
and not living with purpose and intent.

yet my views are colored by my brushes with the unknown and with death;
the urgency i feel does not permeate to everyone
and i remind myself that my lesson is patience
and that i must savor every moment of life
because it is so short and
at any moment we could be done with it.

i cannot see my path any longer
the road under my feet has turned into a concrete wasteland
a parking-lot along the journey of life
one from which i can see no exit
a lot which i must scour from horizon to horizon until i can find my way back out again--
until life decides to lead me onward again
towards dreams 
and the quixotic hopes
of the nigh impossible. 

Date: 2010-05-26 12:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well it's your journal and you should feel free to speak whatever you want to say. I wouldn't say that you are "bleeding for everyone to see", I think you, like most of us, just need a place to vent and express inner turmoil and there's nothing wrong with that. Though I am sorry to hear how much you distance yourself from your experiences due to needing to shield yourself out of preparation for future heartbreak and pain. It's best to live one day at a time and cherish the happy moments when they come. Of course happiness is fleeting and pain does come around every so often, but if you never commit to the moments of joy then you are robbing yourself of beautiful memories. I love you and hope only good things for you, dearest.

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