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[personal profile] blueimber
i released three private entries today here for public view
from earlier this month
because the despair that had me down in them
has passed
and i feel like i can express the sentiments 
without causing anyone worry for myself or my state of being.

i try to remain grateful for every day;
and to not let my nerves overwhelm my somewhat sense of wholeness.

a while ago
a friend of mine implied through conversation that on this journal
i tend to bleed for everyone to see
and that the knowledge of this openness might turn some away-
but the further truth is that in ways i am always bleeding
i always have raw wounds upon me
there is always something underlying which prevents me from
committing to any good moment with 100% of myself;
knowing that eventually even perfect moments are unravelled by inconsideration and
the gentle abuse of taking another person for granted.

i cannot but think of when the time will come and i will be gone
knowing how much of today is wasted in waiting
in staying a little aloof
and not living with purpose and intent.

yet my views are colored by my brushes with the unknown and with death;
the urgency i feel does not permeate to everyone
and i remind myself that my lesson is patience
and that i must savor every moment of life
because it is so short and
at any moment we could be done with it.

i cannot see my path any longer
the road under my feet has turned into a concrete wasteland
a parking-lot along the journey of life
one from which i can see no exit
a lot which i must scour from horizon to horizon until i can find my way back out again--
until life decides to lead me onward again
towards dreams 
and the quixotic hopes
of the nigh impossible. 
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