blueimber: (Default)
in my mind
the whole world is going to loose me.
i am going to let a little bit of it come crashing down.

our skies are falling
the stars blank right out
the sun hisses as it's pressed out of existence
and the moon sinks away into deeper space--

my god and it is all breaking

the trite refuse of this world
oh girl how sad it was that you had a thought.

how sad it is indeed little girl that you sit there
all day
and dream
and follow everything that has ever led you into heartache
all over again.

it is always the same
doesn't anyone present anything different?

like the queen had told unto alice
in this world child
you are insignificant.

i turn away and turn away and turn away
each day i open my eyes and it is something else
life giving me no constance.

i am nine days away from three years.

each day each day each day
each day i wake up and face what i am afraid of most
each day i thank god for whatever i may have been able
to get done
and each day i fight back the tide that seeks to overwhelm me
pull me down into its vicious subtle poison
the idea
of my unnatural life.

nine days
to three years.

i am a little proud for it
that i have for this long managed to stop myself.
don't think i don't think about it
gods no no no
i must think about it near constant
save those few moments
when the little fox of love
curls up against me
and fills me with hope--

oh silly girl
lost in the woods
listening to the howl of the animals,
scraping her body against stones

steel the stones of our prison
steel the rocks of our shores
millions of points of razors and blades
the sort of thing
that would of me
have ribbons made

my whole skin

three years

no more messing around
i've crossed that threshold.

this was what was waiting for me on the other side

devastating wretchedness
something so deep it is poisoning my blood
turning my body against myself
something very wrong
something very soon

but if i can just make it
if i could just get beyond these nine days

these nine days resisting the lure of it
the sweet song of our redemption
the ease of all this suffering
the silent kiss upon the brow of eternity

oh they could put me in the ground and forget me
i would very much like to be forgotten
i would very much love to fade away and have no one notice
that i had been gone
it is the most lady-like way to go about a thing

sometimes i actually sit here and think
that one
thin little line
would do no harm
that just one brilliant stroke
against the alabaster of the pain
would serve just right
to make everything feel like it was worth it again

no, i whisper under my breath, no no no.
a sworn oath you cannot break
your promise, your promise
you must never serve to break
i calm my blood, i cool my body
and i sit there with my eyes closed and
i wait.

i sit and i wait
listening for
the word.

it is out there in every night
everynight tells a different story
i suppose it is why i get up to face the day
because i want to know how it ends
i want to know what the night holds for me
constantly under the realm of the moon
but in those moments
those moments where this solitude
this vast empty
this unfathomnable void
becomes too great a burden
for me to handle
yet there is not any other thing i alone can do for it
i am able to now stop myself
and simply listen
for the sound of it.

even if it does not come down
sometimes there are moments

i was hoping tonight for something
i am useless to think that
this silence too
i could break.

eight days left
has been crossed into
and the infinite cycles within those loops
reminds me
that even if i removed myself from this otherwise sad picture
some creative designer is just going to blink me back into it again

altho for tonight
i served to be broken
the closer it gets 'to life'
the more certain i am that i will be fine.

i will be fine.

September 2017

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