blueimber: (Default)
Dear ________;

i set you free.

i know it is not because i have such control over you
nor is it because you love me like i love you
but it is more because i know you don't want this

you don't want this as much as i do
you don't feel the same way as i do
and i know that
knowing that i feel this way
has made you distant
far and away
and unhappy

the last thing i ever wanted
was for you to be unhappy
so instead of watching you
upset and sad and uncomfortable

i set you free.

free to let yourself be who you are
free to be the person i love so much
free to be away from me and not worry
if i am missing you

you can not know how hard this is for me.

you can't know what this feels like inside of me

i am screaming
my throat is closing at the very thought
and everything that is not held together
or nailed down
feels like it is going to fly away
like i am going to cease to exist
once i have given you up.

something inside of me has died.

it is with great hope and anticipation
that i await the moment when i see you
each time it is supposed to happen
it does not
and i have been getting worse and worse since

the more time i spend alone here
the more my mind turns to razors
the more i think of skin and blood
of self worth
and beauty

i fall into an old pattern
the edge of the paper
the falling of water
the circles of sorrow

i begin to think in contrasts
red against white
black and white
i begin to think
of a stylized line
slowly traveling
up the length
of my arm

and i can't think like this
do you understand?
that is why you have to leave
i can't fall back into it
i can't let the game capture me
i can't be who i was
because who i am has too much control
too much happiness to be sad again

you don't know what i went through to be here today

you don't know how hard it was for me
the people i had to face
the things i had to go through
just to make it out whole and sound
you can't know
how much of a part in that wholeness you had

seemed to be
you seemed
to want to help
you seemed
like someone
i could trust
who would be there
you haven't
you've known
you have know
when i have been
like this
you have seen it on me
you have all but been there
when it happened
were never

Dear ____________;

in the aftermath
i have to say that these little momentary lapses of reason
have left me a bit clearer on things
they reveal a great deal
to go through the harrowing and come out
a bit less whole

i only hope that you can understand why i have done
what i have just done.

so go now.
you are forgiven.

go now
go and find that girl
go and be happy
and don't worry
don't concern yourself anymore about it.

you don't want me to read to you anymore
you don't want me to write lines of poetry about you anymore
you don't want to hear it
see it
or know that it exists
and i promise
that i shall try to keep it inside of me
from now on
and not let it leak out
and disturb your ignorance.

and you are ignorant.
you are the stupidest person i know
you are arrogant
you are dangerous
you are self absorbed
and truely unawares
you have never heard me when i called out for you
you have never really been there for me at all
never held me

You can not love me
like i need you to
no matter how much i loved you
like you needed me to

and i can't anymore,
i can't wait for it anymore
i can't be this person
this lonely hurt person
i want to be me
i want to be me
i want to be me

and i set you free.

September 2017

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