blueimber: (Default)
This Friday night i am trying to get back to the Urban Juke Joint to read again:

Friday, February 29, 2008
Baha'i Unity Center
53 East 11th Street (btwn Broadway & University Pl)
Take the 4, 5, 6, L, N, Q, R, or W to Union Sq-14th St station
Contact: (917) 331-9189

It's open mic so if you want to read show up around 8/8:30 to get on the list---
Anyone who wants to come out and show some lurve, it is free to attend.

I don't know what i am going to read
and if you have anything you remember from this journal
please feel free to give me a nudge
i am not sure what kind of poetical mood i will be in
or am in
for that matter
and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

on that, i guess i have been rather impersonal here a little bit lately
not that in my ramblings i make my life out so intimately
but certainly i have become severely more guarded in the last few years than i ever was-- ever.
i suppose the roundabout of it is many things;
from the sequence of my life and living conditions to
the numerous and myriad of ways that humans can find to hurt other humans
directly, indirectly, outright, covertly, unknowingly, unwittingly, backhandedly, underhandedly- it goes on--
and on to
my ever analysis of self and worth.

i realized that i was being tromped upon and that
i was being misunderstood and under appreciated and i backed away
i withdrew the glory of my presence
took my gift and removed it from the arena of view
locked it away and here i am now
many moons later
trying to justify those actions all
and even suggest a return;
but i can't
i have been altered too much too quickly in matters to dear
if there was any naive hopeful innocence left in me
well then it withered all when they say he died.

i didn't want the things i wrote here to reflect badly back against someone
in the reader's forced ignorance;
i purposefully keep my subjects elusive and vague, trying to go for the emotion
and not the situational blame....

if i started on this site about bitches and hoes and jerks and assholes
everyone would assume they knew my heart
and i can assure them
my heart is unfathomable truly
they cannot know my reasons for my actions
they cannot know why i allow for what ought to be major hurt and
why at the smallest slight, conversely, i will hold back the rains and smite the land.
my heart is complex and rules my mind with it's own set of logic and
if my writings and experiences have taught me anything it is
that i cannot change my heart
i have to change my actions to better protect my heart
even if it means hiding some of myself
which i guess is really how i have been reacting
for the majority of the space of the year that lay in the wake behind me...

i don't like not being my full self at all times
true and bright and shining
i don't like that i have to edit or curtail my emotions
keep them unknown or lighthearted
to watch how things play out
i hate being guarded

watching people go through drama and their own personal turmoil
i have looked at their tears wistfully and wondered why i haven't cried
wonder why i have been so dead emotionally
wonder why i do not even mourn myself--

is it because i am stronger?
is it because i am so far from anything i could hope for?

i guess i thought i was on fire
i guess i thought when i alighted back into reality from my little vacation
i had been sparked to burn
for that was all i was for
and when it smoldered
i misunderstood and thought it to be just a slow burn
not thinking that the backdraft would
as it always eventually does
incinerate me.

i was hopeful and life was full of promise.

and then the reality truly dawned on me
the faces of the masquerade blurred into my vision and
those who i thought had shown me their real face i saw wore masks
those who had been masked were revealed and
my world was left spinning off end for a while
and until my nausea subsided
i sort of took it all underground.

my love is not something that i give and think upon being hurt
'oh, i regret this'
it is not something i give, state and then take back;
my love is determined from my heart and i cannot deny it
i have to allow myself to be hurt sometimes in the name of it
it makes me stronger
it makes my ability to endure stronger
it gives me strength to draw upon and examples to site to myself
hurt passes and relations can change and grow
yes, some do grow stale and fall into disrepair;
but if someone is meant to be connected to you
it is amazing how much you can find you understand.

For instance
that i get hurt so many times when i extend my love in the hopes of finding a partner or companion--
eight years ago i met a young man, i was two years out of highschool and he was a senior in;
although i paid him no initial mind
within the space of a few months
his attentions and personality had endeared him to me
and once our mutual endeavor with the theater ended
i made an attempt to keep in touch.
for years he would be touch and go in our relationship
sometimes we would see each other all the time
sometimes once a month
sometimes it would go half a year or more between mere moments of time
i remember the first time he called me after telling me he didn't want to be in a relationship
and spoke about his new girlfriend to me.
i remember when he was single and i was seeing someone
how strange it felt to me to know that i would know and love him forever, or as long as i could--
but that the man i was seeing would pass from my life with finality when it was that it ended
i remember the outrage that surged inside of my mind when
i could not see him because he would be with a girl who would consider me a threat--
me, i-- who placed my love aside because recognizing that he couldn't possibly know where his life was going to take him-
i chose to rise above his misconception of my love instead of fighting about it
when he said, and now still, says to me
that he has found some other girl
who is not me
that he fancies
that he wants to date
that he thinks he loves
although i feel a pang in my heart
because it is not me
it doesn't change my love of him
it doesn't change that i care for him and want to see him happy
and in that lay
the root of it
if my love is true, if it is real and well laid
doesn't it speak to anything that i am able to be happy for him
when he does find himself in situations with some other woman and finds his bliss?

no one ever ever ever gets that.

Of course, those who i do not love
who treat me as such
or even who offer up less hurt against me
i cut from my life with such efficiency that you would think
if you didn't know me
that i was heartless and uncaring about the plight of others...

of course i care about the plight of others---
i don't want to see anyone thrown into the fray or to the lions--
but i have my own measure of determining connections to people
and to the mark of my love upon them
i open my door to each new person in a different way and see
if they know enough to come in
or if
they were only knocking as a courtesy
i will lay out just enough information to expose myself, to explain my heart enough that any intelligent creature
could discern it
and then
i lay in wait
and see what they do.
i don't love them, but i have left the door open to my heart for them to come inside.

some do
some do not.

some people, i bear my truths to and they turn around and knowingly stamp the hope down
like so many weeds
some people i wax poetic to about how i feel and what i want and they
crawl across the underbelly of human relations
and take from me that hope
poison my love, my friends,
and then release it, decrepit
having glutted themselves on my sorrows and hurt and the
control to which they exerted over me and the object of my affection--
a situation that my love for the person sometimes has not ever been able to fix.

i remember the first time that happened
and the resentment, hatred and misunderstanding that
my once lover
seethed with
believing the worst of me
completely misunderstanding that when i said to him i loved him
it was under the precept of friendship
which he asked me about before we even ever kissed--
he said;
"what do you want of me?"
and i said
his breath hot upon my neck
"not any more than that which you are willing to give--"
and he, kissing me, said
"then, we're friends, we're okay?"
and saying yes, we became wordless in our hunger of each other
for that moment
and after--
afterward he could never reconcile the friendship
always thinking that i was moving in circles to entrap him into more
and treating me with anger, fear and loathing
so willing to believe that for his desires i was going to lay him low
that i would play the cards i had against him because i was unrequited.

he could never wrap his mind around the theory that i wanted good moments
moments that wouldn't be spoiled by a change of heart later
moments that were true when we were in them and that would be true once they had passed
and his misunderstanding has taken those moments
and warped them now into hurts i bear
into memories i must keep in check in order to give
any new interest a proper blank slate

so where am i going with all of this?

i guess i am just dwelling upon it now--
trying to figure out the direction my life is turning.

i suppose at the heart of this is that
i am tired of these half connections
of these half understandings
i do love my friends
on occasion at my own expense
i would give them anything they asked for
i am devoted, loyal, loving and open;
i try to be everything that i am looking for in someone;
friend, partner, lover, companion.
You would think after over 28 years of this
i would have found something that works
but my unique and beautiful way of interpreting the world
has left me stumbling, alone and disillusioned.

is it so wrong to want to feel the strong hands of someone
pulling me close?
is it wrong to want to feel his kisses upon my neck, his warm skin against mine?
it is wrong to want to feel desired, to want to feel beautiful and sexy--?

of course it isn't--
and i can't be denied my pursuit of it any longer
i can't lay my head down and wait
i can't pray that sommat else sway the heart and feelings of those who i would love
if my own merits cannot--
and i cannot any longer let fear and insecurity rule
in my house of love.

what does it change?
does it let my heart sing this new song?
does it shadow those who i had loved once;
hiding their faces from the warm sunshine of my affections?
does it even matter;
will they even notice?

and i;
not even sure i could know what it was i wanted
if i saw it.

((I believe i would--
i believe i would know it as his kisses fell on my skin
i would know it when his fingertips will touch the places no one has dared in time out of memory
i would know it when i taste it
when i reach for it and find it reaching back
when the desire within the intimacy becomes the
undeniable and naked collision
of minds, theories, concepts, bodies and emotions
all in a brilliant flash
of doing what it was
i was put here to do.

i would know.))

blueimber: (Default)
i go over in my mind
how many times this month already
i have wanted to explain myself by saying
'February is historically a bad month for me...'
i didn't want to think about it at the outset of the month
in the hopes that i wouldn't jinx it

thank god it's a short one.

i am under a lot of stress at work
as i have mentioned here
in addition to learning new things to be responsible for
i am also under a kind of microscope for my work in the past six months since my last raise
the few and rare mistakes i make
blown up to enormous proportions and
to have to hear my boss say that she is disappointed
puts a mote of discontent into my heart--
why do i work so hard
only to see that work
unravel at my feet?

i mean, i will press on, and really it isn't that bad, usually by the afternoon i have everything ironed out
it is still affecting me right now---

one of the things i have been trying to do too
is to surround myself with friends and new people
i have gone out to events
called my old friends
even swallowed my pride and removed a weight in my heart about
the state of affairs in regards to some of my acquaintances
wiping the slate relatively clean and
willing to start fresh.

sometimes i wonder why i am so giving to people
for the most part
the way that i feel or the things that i want
are overlooked, denied, refused or turned away...

i feel myself slipping into melancholia
behind my eyes i feel the heat of unshed tears
how long has it been since i cried?
and even more importantly
when was the last time anyone cared?

i wanted this year to be more open and communicative
to be able to say that
this is bothering me
or that i am upset about this
rather than
bottling it and just swallowing all the time
i try to turn to people i thought i was close to, i thought i could confide in
i am met with such resentment and aggression
as if what i felt didn't matter
as if i could only act and speak about things
that were approved topics--

i mean
i don't know---

i listen to my friends
no matter what
be it about their shows or their jobs, about their hobbies or their lifestyles;
whether it is feelings or gossip or stresses or just needing to vent
i try and let everyone tell me everything they feel
and i try to engage and ask questions and learn about what they are saying--
and yet
the moment that i manage to formulate the courage to say
'i have been feeling ____ lately...'
it is as if i have crossed some unacceptable border--
no one will sit and listen to me
no one will take what i have to say and apologize or try and understand where i am coming from
people choose to block me from their lives and
refuse to at least sympathize
and i really have to wonder
what i have done
to make me so foul
and wretched to them?

my depression is a constant
everyday struggle
and given that most days i am happy and carefree
it says a lot
i manage it really well--
but the few times when the tide comes in deeper than i could have anticipated
and i actually reach out instead of turning in--
to have my hand slapped--
by those people who i have made the strongest efforts to be connected to
closest with--?
to hear the contempt in their voice as they tell me what they think my flaws are--
to feel hollow and like i am breaking when i only want to be close and they constantly move away--

do i really deserve that?

all that i do
all that i do and everyone that i do it for--
my selflessness
my giving nature
my desire to include everyone
to reach out to everyone
to treat people with fairness and loving kindness
just to constantly come around in circles
when i am at my worst
to not have anyone i can confide in
without fear of them becoming short with me---

it breaks me--

sometimes i wonder if anyone notices that i am slipping away
sometimes i wonder if anyone cares

one day i will be gone and it will be too late--

((this is why i give so much, try so hard
i appreciate everyone in the moments that i have with them and
when not with them, i am fond of them in memory
and no matter how much it hurts me to hear them say certain things
i am always open to listening to it, bearing witness to it--
but i am so tired of feeling like i am not allowed to feel or to express those feelings
i am so tired of being the one making all the effort.....))
blueimber: (Default)
in my mind
the whole world is going to loose me.
i am going to let a little bit of it come crashing down.

our skies are falling
the stars blank right out
the sun hisses as it's pressed out of existence
and the moon sinks away into deeper space--

my god and it is all breaking

the trite refuse of this world
oh girl how sad it was that you had a thought.

how sad it is indeed little girl that you sit there
all day
and dream
and follow everything that has ever led you into heartache
all over again.

it is always the same
doesn't anyone present anything different?

like the queen had told unto alice
in this world child
you are insignificant.

i turn away and turn away and turn away
each day i open my eyes and it is something else
life giving me no constance.

i am nine days away from three years.

each day each day each day
each day i wake up and face what i am afraid of most
each day i thank god for whatever i may have been able
to get done
and each day i fight back the tide that seeks to overwhelm me
pull me down into its vicious subtle poison
the idea
of my unnatural life.

nine days
to three years.

i am a little proud for it
that i have for this long managed to stop myself.
don't think i don't think about it
gods no no no
i must think about it near constant
save those few moments
when the little fox of love
curls up against me
and fills me with hope--

oh silly girl
lost in the woods
listening to the howl of the animals,
scraping her body against stones

steel the stones of our prison
steel the rocks of our shores
millions of points of razors and blades
the sort of thing
that would of me
have ribbons made

my whole skin

three years

no more messing around
i've crossed that threshold.

this was what was waiting for me on the other side

devastating wretchedness
something so deep it is poisoning my blood
turning my body against myself
something very wrong
something very soon

but if i can just make it
if i could just get beyond these nine days

these nine days resisting the lure of it
the sweet song of our redemption
the ease of all this suffering
the silent kiss upon the brow of eternity

oh they could put me in the ground and forget me
i would very much like to be forgotten
i would very much love to fade away and have no one notice
that i had been gone
it is the most lady-like way to go about a thing

sometimes i actually sit here and think
that one
thin little line
would do no harm
that just one brilliant stroke
against the alabaster of the pain
would serve just right
to make everything feel like it was worth it again

no, i whisper under my breath, no no no.
a sworn oath you cannot break
your promise, your promise
you must never serve to break
i calm my blood, i cool my body
and i sit there with my eyes closed and
i wait.

i sit and i wait
listening for
the word.

it is out there in every night
everynight tells a different story
i suppose it is why i get up to face the day
because i want to know how it ends
i want to know what the night holds for me
constantly under the realm of the moon
but in those moments
those moments where this solitude
this vast empty
this unfathomnable void
becomes too great a burden
for me to handle
yet there is not any other thing i alone can do for it
i am able to now stop myself
and simply listen
for the sound of it.

even if it does not come down
sometimes there are moments

i was hoping tonight for something
i am useless to think that
this silence too
i could break.

eight days left
has been crossed into
and the infinite cycles within those loops
reminds me
that even if i removed myself from this otherwise sad picture
some creative designer is just going to blink me back into it again

altho for tonight
i served to be broken
the closer it gets 'to life'
the more certain i am that i will be fine.

i will be fine.

September 2017

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