blueimber: (Default)
this weekend promises to bring
the circle closer and back
oh we shall save this ribbon
for a darker day

from out the sad state
of which life presently has placed me
comes a weekend of salvation
at the mercy of boston
and all her salty tea



something convinces men
to not lay down next to me
to not stay after they've had their share
something tells them to leave me
laying alone
bitterly alone

all i want is an arm around me
all i need is to touch and be touched
and all those who have--
are so very far away.

but even those men...
even those boys---







if they love you
why do they leave
before darkness can even
take its prowling stance
why would they abandon me
to the cold and nightmares
to all the things i fear






this feeling---


this feeling....


----------------------------------------------------
he smiles at me from the supper table
as i scrape the last of the breadcrumbs into the trash
it is a silly grin
which exposes his teeth
white tablets with pink gums...
his parted lips, pink too, fleshy..
the smile still says i am hungry
altho i just fed him...

i walk up to where he is sitting in my kitchen
and place his head against my body
i kiss his forehead
and look down into his eyes
and he says he loves me
he doesn't know what he would do without me
but i know what he would do
he would not eat in my kitchen
he would eat in his real girlfriend's kitchen
the one in the house
where he lives
he is not mine
but he says he loves me
and i, alone, am willing to act
to wile away lonely...

his hungry smile
turns into gentle pulling
we tumble to my bed
and no kissing
no touching
almost instantaneous
fucking
fucking
fucking

and he says
"mine"
as he grows inside of me
but he does not follow through
with owning me
he'll not kiss hard enough to mark me his
he'll not press my wrists
nor bruise my skin
he'll not make me unable to live without him...

as soon as he thinks i've had it
as soon as he hears me cry
he lays me down on my back
and like an animal
takes what i do not deny

and then i become less than what i am
when he pulls away from me
and in that moment after
when you're supposed to see the stars...
i am left cold and shaking
alone...

while he washes every trace of me
away from his skin
and makes me feel......
so worthless
so very very worthless.

and i think of what i have known
and i know i don't deserve this
and i think about what is in my heart
and i hurt to know what i am, have done--

it spirals
it gets worse

i keep hoping that one day
they'll stay...


but everyone leaves
don't they?

everything you love gets carried away.



i don't want to be the other girl anymore.

June 2017

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