blueimber: (Default)
last night and i was listless
in the dark of my room under the light of one lamp
playing around with my xacto
and it fell
tumbled from my fingers
tip first
into the soft skin of my
upper thigh--

a little drop like
liquid ruby
rose to the surface and threatened
to spill over itself
and cry
bleeding
from the wound
when i removed the knife

i sat there
a little enthralled
hoping that there would be more blood
but it was just a pinhead
the devil danced upon it
asking me asking me
'Emily, what have you wrought?'

heartache sirs
bleeding
since i sliced my life open
like some ripe fruit
those years ago in proclamation
thinking i was worthy of love
letting the life
drain away from me
until now you come upon me
and find only
how empty
i really am.

i have succeeded in giving away
about everything
i am
empty
no one
i am nothing
i am
unwanted
unwont

despite feeling beautiful
despite all of the things i have going
i come back to
the same wish

the same sentiment

let me die

oh God
please just
let me die
let it be enough that i have tried so hard
let it be enough that i have struggled so much
let it be enough
have i not fit the bill?
have i not paid my due?
have i not followed what best i thought
were
true things?




why do i ceaselessly want to stop
to lay down and not ever rise again?



and my life is full sometimes of such wonderful things
such wonderful--

and i know i am not done here
that i have not done enough here
that i have not lived at all

yet i am so tired
and
i want to be happy
so much--

i have been happy
i have had glorious moments of perfect orbit
when the ellipse shimmies and dives around
everything on their axes
everything singing

i want to hear the song again
i want to lull into the melody

but the thing is i want
i want too much
i want too much i take too much
i am too available
i am too easy
i'm not--

i have no personality.
i am boring
i am like talking to a wall
nothing interesting to say

and
even in the quiet hours
when and even just one person actually stops and listens to me
i am too far removed to be understood

revel in the silence
how can you tell someone
that you don't want to talk
you simply want to share space
share time

gears

turning
like the wheels on a train turn
trains which run far north
into the colder mountains
up to the clear waters of the hudson
under the banner of autumn and night
at haunted railway stations
indulging in
the freedom of being
exploring
togetherness
and so much else---

i want
to listen to music together
laying on a bed
with nothing else to do
and just listen to the music in the night
watch the stars
and not talk
not have to talk
not have to say anything
just to be
to enjoy the beauty of it---
to understand

i want to be understood
i want to be beautiful in these ways
i want someone to miss me when i am not there
i want the lighthearted easiness that i bring
to be desired and sought
i want to be a comfort and a joy

i don't want to be
old hat
same
available
ready

i want too much
i want more than those who i want it from are willing to give

i want to be in the presence of a man
and have him be proud
that –
that it is upon his arm i have alighted
i am not some
desperate wifey
searching upon which ankle to clamp my chain
no
not that
i am yet
a beautiful nightingale
who is here for one moment
singing her song with the flute of her throat
and gone the next
flying on towards what scents float on the wind
bringing me away—

if i stop
if i sing
please only listen
please listen
and hold me when i am here
because
you don't know when i will be gone.

it is not so terrible to own me for some small time
it is not so terrible to be thought of as one touched
by my hand

"sore must be the storm
that could abash the little bird
that kept so many warm"

i choose so careful onto whom i place this affection
this burden it seems

i do not mean to overload
i just
when i think i am wanted
i give so much-
i give so much---



and lately
lately i have felt so small.
so insignificant
so unworthy of being held

let go of.

i landed and was shooed away.
there is not one tree, not one shoulder
one arm
i belong upon

"asking me
saying
'she's so free,
how can you catch the sparrow?'"

see it?
see it see it see?

*sigh*

lay my head down softly.

i just
i wish i knew
i wish i knew where to go
what to do.

i want to be happy
and not so sad
but it's been years



off again—
gotta fly away again----

June 2017

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