blueimber: (Default)
perhaps in my life because
i have not really ever known love
to the degree that
those close to me can claim
i cannot accurately and with
jaded heart
present a realistic picture
of what
it is.

and by known love
i mean
lived within it
had it within my grasp for more than
a few nights.
gone in the morning.
i mean no one has

love i thought
you wanted another person
to live with you
to stay by you
to stand by you and fight by your side,
that you would both see a place
at the end of these roads
that you wanted to get to together
in each others presence
hand in hand
both working
both building
as companions
as lovers
as two people whose souls have been bound up in
something, and more than just comfort
more than just sharing space
more than simple words of saying a thing--
but saying that thing and then living within the meaning of it
to the point when it is
beyond any measure
of what is said
or implied
and enters the realm of existence
as what

but all i have seen of it
supposed true
of those who lay claim that this is where their soul lay
that without the love that they are holding
life would cease and purpose and reason end;
is people
who tear themselves apart within the midst of it
who fight constantly and
batter against each others walls
ever testing
ever trying
to break it down, to see if it withstands a test
not really truly trusting it
not wanting to give over into it because of fear
because of the past
because of things not known about the future.
ignoring the fact that they claim that it is love like a screaming child on a subway.
all i have seen
are people who wreck it down
shatter it in the night.

this great overwhelming hope
the thing that supposedly conquers all

but if what i have seen of it
if that
is the way that people in love act
what is it that i have wanted all this time?

i know that
i am not meant to find it.
i know that my definition is too ideal
that my belief in it too whole
that the way that love exists on this plane for most people
doesn't light a candle to what i believe i am chasing
but i know
that i am chasing a dream
and i know
that i have to search for the closest thing--
i know it has to exist because people around me claim to find it--
what i have *seen* of this
supposed 'true' love---
if that is what i am searching for--

i can't
i can't stand to watch all of this hurt
i don't want to be hurt
i am so tired of being traumatized by what my concept of love is
i can't take it
i can't

why does the world batter everything?
why must we walk as souls thru this life
afraid of love?
this isn't what it is supposed to be!

and i?
and i and i and i?

i pretend
i pretend i am beyond the hurt--
i pretend that i can hold myself up alone
as my own
and that love is ever just beyond that horizon for me
that because i chase it
the chase is the delight
and that the someday will blossom and
love reveal itself.
but late in the night
it comes through--
my fear.
the trepidation.
the walls i have up built so high against the way that
crashes against them,
violent ocean that only seeks to drown me-
i want to run
i want to run away
i want to hide and be alone and alone and alone
if that
would relieve this.
if that for one minute
would take the pain away
living without it

i thought love was a kind of harmony
i thought love was a kind of familiar similarity
i thought love was comfort from the pain of the world
i thought that love was supposed to ease problems
and not cause more...

have i been chasing all this time after something i had mis-defined?
am i illusioned to believe in it?

i wonder if
i would take love that was bridled with hate
simply to have love at all.
perhaps that is what this is--

that in the quest to not be so alone
these people have accepted to be hated
within the guise of being loved
because it relieves the loneliness
makes it easier to face the darkness of night
because to be hated is at least to be felt for--
to be not alone.

it makes me sick to my stomach
it makes the world turn upside down and myself not know who i am anymore.

and sure i want it--
perhaps never to come by my concept of it
but to keep trying, certainly--
i sometimes want it so much--
but there is--


i would not take hate.
i would take a lot of things
i have _taken_ a lot of things--
i would not take hate.

something inside of me rises.
i can feel my heart pump the blood through me and
the heat soak through my chest.
i would not take hate.

i subvert the things i want
i sink my hopes and desires for
the preferences of those i have loved
i have played second fiddle
i have been put on the side
placed on a shelf
i have danced in the way that they have wanted
i have let them hurt me
i have let them place what they wanted onto it
i have stayed silent when i have wanted to scream
i have tried to love when i knew no hope of it
i have sought it out and followed it into the night
laid by the sides of men and of boys
been for them as a blanket would be
to cover them
to protect them and give them warmth
to be able to be thrown off when it is that they finally decide
to get on with things
thrown aside as if, unimportant or
in the thought that i will be there always to return to.
I have done these things from some sense of what
ideal love
i think, should be.
done these things, allowed myself these hurts because
i thought that love was behind them, ultimately.
but i never took hate
for all the abuse i accepted
for the damage;
the feeling of inadequacy
of unattractiveness
of hopelessness
of emptiness and nothingness that
loving them gave me--
for all of those nights when i lay next to someone
and thought
how much i wanted them to love me
and yet
how futile it was to hope for it
when i knew
they would not ever--

i still never turned
to hate.

i might not have been wanted by them
as much as i wanted them
they may not have loved me as i had loved them
they may have only seen that i was willing to give them
with no strings
a patch to get them through some hard part of their lives
but it was always with this ideal of love on my lips
all in the hopes that
it would be met
or taken
with acceptance
and shelter
from this life which delivers
hate and hurt and frustration
from every angle it can
most so and especially from
those corners
which ought to have been

but there was never
and is not in my heart ever

i could not treat them with hate
even now
even having been hurt.

not ever hate.

they have all moved on to
other people
people who give it to them and that they want to give it to.
it gives me joy to see them happy
that isn't what this is about--
this is about
having love
fighting within it.

why if you have it
do you loose sight of it?
why do you insist on letting things
petty, insignificant things
come between you and the person you love?

why is it that people who have love
fight with it?

why don't you uphold it forever as something that needs your protection?
not your suspicion
not your spite
not your bile
your tattered sense of self
gives a shoulder when it can
love will
get right down there on the pavement with you
and work her own bones raw for you
will do what you need it to do



if it is true.

if you ask of love
some small alleviation
love ought to give it blindly

granted, ask of it too much without giving back just as blind for it
and you begin to tip the balance away
and cause the ends to unravel
loosing love entirely
in which case
you have to ask yourself
is this small one petty thing really worth
this love
it is supposed to complete you
make you feel whole and safe
is this thing really worth it?

if love were drowning in a bottomless ocean
would you not dive in to save it?

what then would you do if you realized that that ocean
the riptide which pulls the ankles of the one you love
towards a watery grave
your own hate
your own torrents of fury of things you have not let rise to the surface
and gotten rid of--

what then?


people, listen to me--
love claims many forms
can be fleeting
can be lasting
love is as varied as leaves on the trees
and is cyclical
like the seasons can be
like life is
with each person
and yes
you may fall into a pattern of it
always winding up with the same kind of person that doesn't maybe treat you
the way you want to be treated
or repeats some logic of abuse upon you
that others have
but you have to hear me when i say that
if love
hurts you
more than hate does
if love
throws you down upon the ground
if love
feels like you can't win
oh then please
please please please
have the strength to examine if it is really love at all.

and if you
recognize that your anger at the world
for the wrongs that have been dealt you
and the frustrations of life
and what it takes every day to get up and go about and
causes you
to lash out and rile against
what love is trying to give you
ask yourself
examine what you have!
is it love?
does it claim to be love?
does it make things easier?
is it bearable?
can you breathe?
can you live within it
can you be who you are only better?
are you comfortable
are you provided for
has it gone to great lengths for you
having been requested or not?
does it make an effort to understand
to take note of what you prefer, remember and act accordingly
and without changing
who or what it is?

do you want it?
are you hurting it so badly
that you should walk away?
or end it?
or be a proverbial man about it and do right by it?


is worth the struggle.

please consider
how watching it deteriorate
watching it be abused
affects those
who thought to believe in what you have had
they hoped some day to find some thing so similar

friends, children, family, observers---
and though their opinions and thoughts count for nothing
they too can have of you a kind of love
they too take lessons from your actions.

hope is rare and precious
belief and faith and walking blindly with an open heart
are too.
and love
love love love
is more so all of this
and all of this.

remember that
please please please.

((i am not soliciting apologies
i am not preaching the way things should be
for everyone
i am not howling against any who i have loved
or who were not able to return to me
that feeling
as full as i had laid it out for them
i simply ask
that those who have found it
please always keep it first and foremost in your mind
how blessed you are
to have found a companion
even if you are raw from life
you should not take it for granted.
shatter something enough times
the pieces become impossible to glue back together.))

September 2017

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