blueimber: (Default)
i go over in my mind
how many times this month already
i have wanted to explain myself by saying
'February is historically a bad month for me...'
i didn't want to think about it at the outset of the month
in the hopes that i wouldn't jinx it

thank god it's a short one.

i am under a lot of stress at work
as i have mentioned here
in addition to learning new things to be responsible for
i am also under a kind of microscope for my work in the past six months since my last raise
the few and rare mistakes i make
blown up to enormous proportions and
to have to hear my boss say that she is disappointed
puts a mote of discontent into my heart--
why do i work so hard
only to see that work
unravel at my feet?

i mean, i will press on, and really it isn't that bad, usually by the afternoon i have everything ironed out
it is still affecting me right now---

one of the things i have been trying to do too
is to surround myself with friends and new people
i have gone out to events
called my old friends
even swallowed my pride and removed a weight in my heart about
the state of affairs in regards to some of my acquaintances
wiping the slate relatively clean and
willing to start fresh.

sometimes i wonder why i am so giving to people
for the most part
the way that i feel or the things that i want
are overlooked, denied, refused or turned away...

i feel myself slipping into melancholia
behind my eyes i feel the heat of unshed tears
how long has it been since i cried?
and even more importantly
when was the last time anyone cared?

i wanted this year to be more open and communicative
to be able to say that
this is bothering me
or that i am upset about this
rather than
bottling it and just swallowing all the time
i try to turn to people i thought i was close to, i thought i could confide in
i am met with such resentment and aggression
as if what i felt didn't matter
as if i could only act and speak about things
that were approved topics--

i mean
i don't know---

i listen to my friends
no matter what
be it about their shows or their jobs, about their hobbies or their lifestyles;
whether it is feelings or gossip or stresses or just needing to vent
i try and let everyone tell me everything they feel
and i try to engage and ask questions and learn about what they are saying--
and yet
the moment that i manage to formulate the courage to say
'i have been feeling ____ lately...'
it is as if i have crossed some unacceptable border--
no one will sit and listen to me
no one will take what i have to say and apologize or try and understand where i am coming from
people choose to block me from their lives and
refuse to at least sympathize
and i really have to wonder
what i have done
to make me so foul
and wretched to them?

my depression is a constant
everyday struggle
and given that most days i am happy and carefree
it says a lot
i manage it really well--
but the few times when the tide comes in deeper than i could have anticipated
and i actually reach out instead of turning in--
to have my hand slapped--
by those people who i have made the strongest efforts to be connected to
closest with--?
to hear the contempt in their voice as they tell me what they think my flaws are--
to feel hollow and like i am breaking when i only want to be close and they constantly move away--

do i really deserve that?

all that i do
all that i do and everyone that i do it for--
my selflessness
my giving nature
my desire to include everyone
to reach out to everyone
to treat people with fairness and loving kindness
just to constantly come around in circles
when i am at my worst
to not have anyone i can confide in
without fear of them becoming short with me---

it breaks me--

sometimes i wonder if anyone notices that i am slipping away
sometimes i wonder if anyone cares

one day i will be gone and it will be too late--

((this is why i give so much, try so hard
i appreciate everyone in the moments that i have with them and
when not with them, i am fond of them in memory
and no matter how much it hurts me to hear them say certain things
i am always open to listening to it, bearing witness to it--
but i am so tired of feeling like i am not allowed to feel or to express those feelings
i am so tired of being the one making all the effort.....))
blueimber: (Default)
this weekend promises to bring
the circle closer and back
oh we shall save this ribbon
for a darker day

from out the sad state
of which life presently has placed me
comes a weekend of salvation
at the mercy of boston
and all her salty tea

something convinces men
to not lay down next to me
to not stay after they've had their share
something tells them to leave me
laying alone
bitterly alone

all i want is an arm around me
all i need is to touch and be touched
and all those who have--
are so very far away.

but even those men...
even those boys---

if they love you
why do they leave
before darkness can even
take its prowling stance
why would they abandon me
to the cold and nightmares
to all the things i fear

this feeling---

this feeling....

he smiles at me from the supper table
as i scrape the last of the breadcrumbs into the trash
it is a silly grin
which exposes his teeth
white tablets with pink gums...
his parted lips, pink too, fleshy..
the smile still says i am hungry
altho i just fed him...

i walk up to where he is sitting in my kitchen
and place his head against my body
i kiss his forehead
and look down into his eyes
and he says he loves me
he doesn't know what he would do without me
but i know what he would do
he would not eat in my kitchen
he would eat in his real girlfriend's kitchen
the one in the house
where he lives
he is not mine
but he says he loves me
and i, alone, am willing to act
to wile away lonely...

his hungry smile
turns into gentle pulling
we tumble to my bed
and no kissing
no touching
almost instantaneous

and he says
as he grows inside of me
but he does not follow through
with owning me
he'll not kiss hard enough to mark me his
he'll not press my wrists
nor bruise my skin
he'll not make me unable to live without him...

as soon as he thinks i've had it
as soon as he hears me cry
he lays me down on my back
and like an animal
takes what i do not deny

and then i become less than what i am
when he pulls away from me
and in that moment after
when you're supposed to see the stars...
i am left cold and shaking

while he washes every trace of me
away from his skin
and makes me feel......
so worthless
so very very worthless.

and i think of what i have known
and i know i don't deserve this
and i think about what is in my heart
and i hurt to know what i am, have done--

it spirals
it gets worse

i keep hoping that one day
they'll stay...

but everyone leaves
don't they?

everything you love gets carried away.

i don't want to be the other girl anymore.

September 2017

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