blueimber: (Default)
i wrote this in 2005
living alone in my apartment just
without internet connection
the burning desire to justify why i had been alone for two years
for why i was living my life the way i was
it got out of hand
behind the cut
there are words at length
crazy talk
but oh-
something interesting to read.

if you do read it
i would love opinions, commentary
or feedback.

To Belong To Love - 2005 )

blueimber: (Default)
This Friday night i am trying to get back to the Urban Juke Joint to read again:

Friday, February 29, 2008
Baha'i Unity Center
53 East 11th Street (btwn Broadway & University Pl)
Take the 4, 5, 6, L, N, Q, R, or W to Union Sq-14th St station
Contact: (917) 331-9189

It's open mic so if you want to read show up around 8/8:30 to get on the list---
Anyone who wants to come out and show some lurve, it is free to attend.

I don't know what i am going to read
and if you have anything you remember from this journal
please feel free to give me a nudge
i am not sure what kind of poetical mood i will be in
or am in
for that matter
and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

on that, i guess i have been rather impersonal here a little bit lately
not that in my ramblings i make my life out so intimately
but certainly i have become severely more guarded in the last few years than i ever was-- ever.
i suppose the roundabout of it is many things;
from the sequence of my life and living conditions to
the numerous and myriad of ways that humans can find to hurt other humans
directly, indirectly, outright, covertly, unknowingly, unwittingly, backhandedly, underhandedly- it goes on--
and on to
my ever analysis of self and worth.

i realized that i was being tromped upon and that
i was being misunderstood and under appreciated and i backed away
i withdrew the glory of my presence
took my gift and removed it from the arena of view
locked it away and here i am now
many moons later
trying to justify those actions all
and even suggest a return;
but i can't
i have been altered too much too quickly in matters to dear
if there was any naive hopeful innocence left in me
well then it withered all when they say he died.

i didn't want the things i wrote here to reflect badly back against someone
in the reader's forced ignorance;
i purposefully keep my subjects elusive and vague, trying to go for the emotion
and not the situational blame....

if i started on this site about bitches and hoes and jerks and assholes
everyone would assume they knew my heart
and i can assure them
my heart is unfathomable truly
they cannot know my reasons for my actions
they cannot know why i allow for what ought to be major hurt and
why at the smallest slight, conversely, i will hold back the rains and smite the land.
my heart is complex and rules my mind with it's own set of logic and
if my writings and experiences have taught me anything it is
that i cannot change my heart
i have to change my actions to better protect my heart
even if it means hiding some of myself
which i guess is really how i have been reacting
for the majority of the space of the year that lay in the wake behind me...

i don't like not being my full self at all times
true and bright and shining
i don't like that i have to edit or curtail my emotions
keep them unknown or lighthearted
to watch how things play out
i hate being guarded

watching people go through drama and their own personal turmoil
i have looked at their tears wistfully and wondered why i haven't cried
wonder why i have been so dead emotionally
wonder why i do not even mourn myself--

is it because i am stronger?
is it because i am so far from anything i could hope for?

i guess i thought i was on fire
i guess i thought when i alighted back into reality from my little vacation
i had been sparked to burn
for that was all i was for
and when it smoldered
i misunderstood and thought it to be just a slow burn
not thinking that the backdraft would
as it always eventually does
incinerate me.

i was hopeful and life was full of promise.

and then the reality truly dawned on me
the faces of the masquerade blurred into my vision and
those who i thought had shown me their real face i saw wore masks
those who had been masked were revealed and
my world was left spinning off end for a while
and until my nausea subsided
i sort of took it all underground.

my love is not something that i give and think upon being hurt
'oh, i regret this'
it is not something i give, state and then take back;
my love is determined from my heart and i cannot deny it
i have to allow myself to be hurt sometimes in the name of it
it makes me stronger
it makes my ability to endure stronger
it gives me strength to draw upon and examples to site to myself
hurt passes and relations can change and grow
yes, some do grow stale and fall into disrepair;
but if someone is meant to be connected to you
it is amazing how much you can find you understand.

For instance
that i get hurt so many times when i extend my love in the hopes of finding a partner or companion--
eight years ago i met a young man, i was two years out of highschool and he was a senior in;
although i paid him no initial mind
within the space of a few months
his attentions and personality had endeared him to me
and once our mutual endeavor with the theater ended
i made an attempt to keep in touch.
for years he would be touch and go in our relationship
sometimes we would see each other all the time
sometimes once a month
sometimes it would go half a year or more between mere moments of time
i remember the first time he called me after telling me he didn't want to be in a relationship
and spoke about his new girlfriend to me.
i remember when he was single and i was seeing someone
how strange it felt to me to know that i would know and love him forever, or as long as i could--
but that the man i was seeing would pass from my life with finality when it was that it ended
i remember the outrage that surged inside of my mind when
i could not see him because he would be with a girl who would consider me a threat--
me, i-- who placed my love aside because recognizing that he couldn't possibly know where his life was going to take him-
i chose to rise above his misconception of my love instead of fighting about it
when he said, and now still, says to me
that he has found some other girl
who is not me
that he fancies
that he wants to date
that he thinks he loves
although i feel a pang in my heart
because it is not me
it doesn't change my love of him
it doesn't change that i care for him and want to see him happy
and in that lay
the root of it
if my love is true, if it is real and well laid
doesn't it speak to anything that i am able to be happy for him
when he does find himself in situations with some other woman and finds his bliss?

no one ever ever ever gets that.

Of course, those who i do not love
who treat me as such
or even who offer up less hurt against me
i cut from my life with such efficiency that you would think
if you didn't know me
that i was heartless and uncaring about the plight of others...

of course i care about the plight of others---
i don't want to see anyone thrown into the fray or to the lions--
but i have my own measure of determining connections to people
and to the mark of my love upon them
i open my door to each new person in a different way and see
if they know enough to come in
or if
they were only knocking as a courtesy
i will lay out just enough information to expose myself, to explain my heart enough that any intelligent creature
could discern it
and then
i lay in wait
and see what they do.
i don't love them, but i have left the door open to my heart for them to come inside.

some do
some do not.

some people, i bear my truths to and they turn around and knowingly stamp the hope down
like so many weeds
some people i wax poetic to about how i feel and what i want and they
crawl across the underbelly of human relations
and take from me that hope
poison my love, my friends,
and then release it, decrepit
having glutted themselves on my sorrows and hurt and the
control to which they exerted over me and the object of my affection--
a situation that my love for the person sometimes has not ever been able to fix.

i remember the first time that happened
and the resentment, hatred and misunderstanding that
my once lover
seethed with
believing the worst of me
completely misunderstanding that when i said to him i loved him
it was under the precept of friendship
which he asked me about before we even ever kissed--
he said;
"what do you want of me?"
and i said
his breath hot upon my neck
"not any more than that which you are willing to give--"
and he, kissing me, said
"then, we're friends, we're okay?"
and saying yes, we became wordless in our hunger of each other
for that moment
and after--
afterward he could never reconcile the friendship
always thinking that i was moving in circles to entrap him into more
and treating me with anger, fear and loathing
so willing to believe that for his desires i was going to lay him low
that i would play the cards i had against him because i was unrequited.

he could never wrap his mind around the theory that i wanted good moments
moments that wouldn't be spoiled by a change of heart later
moments that were true when we were in them and that would be true once they had passed
and his misunderstanding has taken those moments
and warped them now into hurts i bear
into memories i must keep in check in order to give
any new interest a proper blank slate

so where am i going with all of this?

i guess i am just dwelling upon it now--
trying to figure out the direction my life is turning.

i suppose at the heart of this is that
i am tired of these half connections
of these half understandings
i do love my friends
on occasion at my own expense
i would give them anything they asked for
i am devoted, loyal, loving and open;
i try to be everything that i am looking for in someone;
friend, partner, lover, companion.
You would think after over 28 years of this
i would have found something that works
but my unique and beautiful way of interpreting the world
has left me stumbling, alone and disillusioned.

is it so wrong to want to feel the strong hands of someone
pulling me close?
is it wrong to want to feel his kisses upon my neck, his warm skin against mine?
it is wrong to want to feel desired, to want to feel beautiful and sexy--?

of course it isn't--
and i can't be denied my pursuit of it any longer
i can't lay my head down and wait
i can't pray that sommat else sway the heart and feelings of those who i would love
if my own merits cannot--
and i cannot any longer let fear and insecurity rule
in my house of love.

what does it change?
does it let my heart sing this new song?
does it shadow those who i had loved once;
hiding their faces from the warm sunshine of my affections?
does it even matter;
will they even notice?

and i;
not even sure i could know what it was i wanted
if i saw it.

((I believe i would--
i believe i would know it as his kisses fell on my skin
i would know it when his fingertips will touch the places no one has dared in time out of memory
i would know it when i taste it
when i reach for it and find it reaching back
when the desire within the intimacy becomes the
undeniable and naked collision
of minds, theories, concepts, bodies and emotions
all in a brilliant flash
of doing what it was
i was put here to do.

i would know.))

blueimber: (Default)
perhaps in my life because
i have not really ever known love
to the degree that
those close to me can claim
i cannot accurately and with
jaded heart
present a realistic picture
of what
it is.

and by known love
i mean
lived within it
had it within my grasp for more than
a few nights.
gone in the morning.
i mean no one has

love i thought
you wanted another person
to live with you
to stay by you
to stand by you and fight by your side,
that you would both see a place
at the end of these roads
that you wanted to get to together
in each others presence
hand in hand
both working
both building
as companions
as lovers
as two people whose souls have been bound up in
something, and more than just comfort
more than just sharing space
more than simple words of saying a thing--
but saying that thing and then living within the meaning of it
to the point when it is
beyond any measure
of what is said
or implied
and enters the realm of existence
as what

but all i have seen of it
supposed true
of those who lay claim that this is where their soul lay
that without the love that they are holding
life would cease and purpose and reason end;
is people
who tear themselves apart within the midst of it
who fight constantly and
batter against each others walls
ever testing
ever trying
to break it down, to see if it withstands a test
not really truly trusting it
not wanting to give over into it because of fear
because of the past
because of things not known about the future.
ignoring the fact that they claim that it is love like a screaming child on a subway.
all i have seen
are people who wreck it down
shatter it in the night.

this great overwhelming hope
the thing that supposedly conquers all

but if what i have seen of it
if that
is the way that people in love act
what is it that i have wanted all this time?

i know that
i am not meant to find it.
i know that my definition is too ideal
that my belief in it too whole
that the way that love exists on this plane for most people
doesn't light a candle to what i believe i am chasing
but i know
that i am chasing a dream
and i know
that i have to search for the closest thing--
i know it has to exist because people around me claim to find it--
what i have *seen* of this
supposed 'true' love---
if that is what i am searching for--

i can't
i can't stand to watch all of this hurt
i don't want to be hurt
i am so tired of being traumatized by what my concept of love is
i can't take it
i can't

why does the world batter everything?
why must we walk as souls thru this life
afraid of love?
this isn't what it is supposed to be!

and i?
and i and i and i?

i pretend
i pretend i am beyond the hurt--
i pretend that i can hold myself up alone
as my own
and that love is ever just beyond that horizon for me
that because i chase it
the chase is the delight
and that the someday will blossom and
love reveal itself.
but late in the night
it comes through--
my fear.
the trepidation.
the walls i have up built so high against the way that
crashes against them,
violent ocean that only seeks to drown me-
i want to run
i want to run away
i want to hide and be alone and alone and alone
if that
would relieve this.
if that for one minute
would take the pain away
living without it

i thought love was a kind of harmony
i thought love was a kind of familiar similarity
i thought love was comfort from the pain of the world
i thought that love was supposed to ease problems
and not cause more...

have i been chasing all this time after something i had mis-defined?
am i illusioned to believe in it?

i wonder if
i would take love that was bridled with hate
simply to have love at all.
perhaps that is what this is--

that in the quest to not be so alone
these people have accepted to be hated
within the guise of being loved
because it relieves the loneliness
makes it easier to face the darkness of night
because to be hated is at least to be felt for--
to be not alone.

it makes me sick to my stomach
it makes the world turn upside down and myself not know who i am anymore.

and sure i want it--
perhaps never to come by my concept of it
but to keep trying, certainly--
i sometimes want it so much--
but there is--


i would not take hate.
i would take a lot of things
i have _taken_ a lot of things--
i would not take hate.

something inside of me rises.
i can feel my heart pump the blood through me and
the heat soak through my chest.
i would not take hate.

i subvert the things i want
i sink my hopes and desires for
the preferences of those i have loved
i have played second fiddle
i have been put on the side
placed on a shelf
i have danced in the way that they have wanted
i have let them hurt me
i have let them place what they wanted onto it
i have stayed silent when i have wanted to scream
i have tried to love when i knew no hope of it
i have sought it out and followed it into the night
laid by the sides of men and of boys
been for them as a blanket would be
to cover them
to protect them and give them warmth
to be able to be thrown off when it is that they finally decide
to get on with things
thrown aside as if, unimportant or
in the thought that i will be there always to return to.
I have done these things from some sense of what
ideal love
i think, should be.
done these things, allowed myself these hurts because
i thought that love was behind them, ultimately.
but i never took hate
for all the abuse i accepted
for the damage;
the feeling of inadequacy
of unattractiveness
of hopelessness
of emptiness and nothingness that
loving them gave me--
for all of those nights when i lay next to someone
and thought
how much i wanted them to love me
and yet
how futile it was to hope for it
when i knew
they would not ever--

i still never turned
to hate.

i might not have been wanted by them
as much as i wanted them
they may not have loved me as i had loved them
they may have only seen that i was willing to give them
with no strings
a patch to get them through some hard part of their lives
but it was always with this ideal of love on my lips
all in the hopes that
it would be met
or taken
with acceptance
and shelter
from this life which delivers
hate and hurt and frustration
from every angle it can
most so and especially from
those corners
which ought to have been

but there was never
and is not in my heart ever

i could not treat them with hate
even now
even having been hurt.

not ever hate.

they have all moved on to
other people
people who give it to them and that they want to give it to.
it gives me joy to see them happy
that isn't what this is about--
this is about
having love
fighting within it.

why if you have it
do you loose sight of it?
why do you insist on letting things
petty, insignificant things
come between you and the person you love?

why is it that people who have love
fight with it?

why don't you uphold it forever as something that needs your protection?
not your suspicion
not your spite
not your bile
your tattered sense of self
gives a shoulder when it can
love will
get right down there on the pavement with you
and work her own bones raw for you
will do what you need it to do



if it is true.

if you ask of love
some small alleviation
love ought to give it blindly

granted, ask of it too much without giving back just as blind for it
and you begin to tip the balance away
and cause the ends to unravel
loosing love entirely
in which case
you have to ask yourself
is this small one petty thing really worth
this love
it is supposed to complete you
make you feel whole and safe
is this thing really worth it?

if love were drowning in a bottomless ocean
would you not dive in to save it?

what then would you do if you realized that that ocean
the riptide which pulls the ankles of the one you love
towards a watery grave
your own hate
your own torrents of fury of things you have not let rise to the surface
and gotten rid of--

what then?


people, listen to me--
love claims many forms
can be fleeting
can be lasting
love is as varied as leaves on the trees
and is cyclical
like the seasons can be
like life is
with each person
and yes
you may fall into a pattern of it
always winding up with the same kind of person that doesn't maybe treat you
the way you want to be treated
or repeats some logic of abuse upon you
that others have
but you have to hear me when i say that
if love
hurts you
more than hate does
if love
throws you down upon the ground
if love
feels like you can't win
oh then please
please please please
have the strength to examine if it is really love at all.

and if you
recognize that your anger at the world
for the wrongs that have been dealt you
and the frustrations of life
and what it takes every day to get up and go about and
causes you
to lash out and rile against
what love is trying to give you
ask yourself
examine what you have!
is it love?
does it claim to be love?
does it make things easier?
is it bearable?
can you breathe?
can you live within it
can you be who you are only better?
are you comfortable
are you provided for
has it gone to great lengths for you
having been requested or not?
does it make an effort to understand
to take note of what you prefer, remember and act accordingly
and without changing
who or what it is?

do you want it?
are you hurting it so badly
that you should walk away?
or end it?
or be a proverbial man about it and do right by it?


is worth the struggle.

please consider
how watching it deteriorate
watching it be abused
affects those
who thought to believe in what you have had
they hoped some day to find some thing so similar

friends, children, family, observers---
and though their opinions and thoughts count for nothing
they too can have of you a kind of love
they too take lessons from your actions.

hope is rare and precious
belief and faith and walking blindly with an open heart
are too.
and love
love love love
is more so all of this
and all of this.

remember that
please please please.

((i am not soliciting apologies
i am not preaching the way things should be
for everyone
i am not howling against any who i have loved
or who were not able to return to me
that feeling
as full as i had laid it out for them
i simply ask
that those who have found it
please always keep it first and foremost in your mind
how blessed you are
to have found a companion
even if you are raw from life
you should not take it for granted.
shatter something enough times
the pieces become impossible to glue back together.))
blueimber: (Default)
in my mind
the whole world is going to loose me.
i am going to let a little bit of it come crashing down.

our skies are falling
the stars blank right out
the sun hisses as it's pressed out of existence
and the moon sinks away into deeper space--

my god and it is all breaking

the trite refuse of this world
oh girl how sad it was that you had a thought.

how sad it is indeed little girl that you sit there
all day
and dream
and follow everything that has ever led you into heartache
all over again.

it is always the same
doesn't anyone present anything different?

like the queen had told unto alice
in this world child
you are insignificant.

i turn away and turn away and turn away
each day i open my eyes and it is something else
life giving me no constance.

i am nine days away from three years.

each day each day each day
each day i wake up and face what i am afraid of most
each day i thank god for whatever i may have been able
to get done
and each day i fight back the tide that seeks to overwhelm me
pull me down into its vicious subtle poison
the idea
of my unnatural life.

nine days
to three years.

i am a little proud for it
that i have for this long managed to stop myself.
don't think i don't think about it
gods no no no
i must think about it near constant
save those few moments
when the little fox of love
curls up against me
and fills me with hope--

oh silly girl
lost in the woods
listening to the howl of the animals,
scraping her body against stones

steel the stones of our prison
steel the rocks of our shores
millions of points of razors and blades
the sort of thing
that would of me
have ribbons made

my whole skin

three years

no more messing around
i've crossed that threshold.

this was what was waiting for me on the other side

devastating wretchedness
something so deep it is poisoning my blood
turning my body against myself
something very wrong
something very soon

but if i can just make it
if i could just get beyond these nine days

these nine days resisting the lure of it
the sweet song of our redemption
the ease of all this suffering
the silent kiss upon the brow of eternity

oh they could put me in the ground and forget me
i would very much like to be forgotten
i would very much love to fade away and have no one notice
that i had been gone
it is the most lady-like way to go about a thing

sometimes i actually sit here and think
that one
thin little line
would do no harm
that just one brilliant stroke
against the alabaster of the pain
would serve just right
to make everything feel like it was worth it again

no, i whisper under my breath, no no no.
a sworn oath you cannot break
your promise, your promise
you must never serve to break
i calm my blood, i cool my body
and i sit there with my eyes closed and
i wait.

i sit and i wait
listening for
the word.

it is out there in every night
everynight tells a different story
i suppose it is why i get up to face the day
because i want to know how it ends
i want to know what the night holds for me
constantly under the realm of the moon
but in those moments
those moments where this solitude
this vast empty
this unfathomnable void
becomes too great a burden
for me to handle
yet there is not any other thing i alone can do for it
i am able to now stop myself
and simply listen
for the sound of it.

even if it does not come down
sometimes there are moments

i was hoping tonight for something
i am useless to think that
this silence too
i could break.

eight days left
has been crossed into
and the infinite cycles within those loops
reminds me
that even if i removed myself from this otherwise sad picture
some creative designer is just going to blink me back into it again

altho for tonight
i served to be broken
the closer it gets 'to life'
the more certain i am that i will be fine.

i will be fine.
blueimber: (Default)
"i need something right now
just anything
i just need something right now


you can take that however you want to.

if you think i am insulting the lack of your presence
in my life
you can go ahead and take it like that

here is the thing-
i need you
and you don't fucking care

this isn't even the first fucking time this has happened
not even close

there were nights
nights when i was up and dangerous
when i sat there and waited for you
when i prayed that you'd heard me;
and would wake up raw and sore
i was there for you
i spent two hours on the phone
when you cried and cried over
how you had lost your one real love
i was the one who was there when
you went through all of that
or don't you remember?
do you remember three o'clock in the morning?
do you remember the things i did
the things i have done
all in precious praise of
my love for you
my LOVE.

and now when i need you
when i am the one on the edge of my sanity
WHERE are you?

that is just the thing
you're nowhere
you are NOT here
it doesn't matter what i say
it doesn't matter my voice
can't you hear it?
can't you hear the urgency in the message?
the fear, the rage, the tremor in the back of my life?

and yet
you say
How could i leave a message like that?
that i could find you if i fucking tried?
so what ever?

the anger is slow and boiling
i spend my best moments heat crazed my teeth
and my worst curled up rocking, crying
this is what you do to me
this is what i have lived with for my entire life

that i mean nothing
that nothing i do will change anything i touch
that i cannot be important to you
or to any one of you
this is me
this is Emily
this is who you have all been led to know and trust
and this is the demon
who will make every one of you hate her
because she isn't even worth knowing
this is who i fucking am

inside i AM ugly

if something
something so beautiful
so beautiful it was crazy
if even it
which i have guarded
and secured
if it could fall apart
within my own hands
how could i ever be worth anything then?

you don't understand
the fire by which i live
the flame by which i guide my careful life
is the very thing which consumes me
leaves me like this

you walk away
you know what it is inside of me
in me you can see what it is you want
what you desire
you see the fire of the stars of the universe
and you cannot handle
that it could all be put to you so simply
that everything you ever wanted was in me
that i was all
that scares you doesn't it?
who could be Lenore?

you do not want to be what beauty i see in you
as if the Madonna was to deny the artist, David in modeling
stepped down

you cannot handle my rapture
which is why a God so denies-
because you do not understand it

and i had thought you were the one
because when it was that i
thought that you too could see me
i stepped up.

is the study of the ugly
to get a sense of beauty
where as art is the study of beauty
to get a sense of the ugly.
Chiaroscuro, the argument of dark and light
i am the argument embodied

but you don't care

it goes on in me
that is the nature of my sanity
i am touched by each side

but you
don't care

i am the best thing
that has ever happened to you

but you?

Don't Care.

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