blueimber: (Default)
"i need something right now
just anything
i just need something right now


you can take that however you want to.

if you think i am insulting the lack of your presence
in my life
you can go ahead and take it like that

here is the thing-
i need you
and you don't fucking care

this isn't even the first fucking time this has happened
not even close

there were nights
nights when i was up and dangerous
when i sat there and waited for you
when i prayed that you'd heard me;
and would wake up raw and sore
i was there for you
i spent two hours on the phone
when you cried and cried over
how you had lost your one real love
i was the one who was there when
you went through all of that
or don't you remember?
do you remember three o'clock in the morning?
do you remember the things i did
the things i have done
all in precious praise of
my love for you
my LOVE.

and now when i need you
when i am the one on the edge of my sanity
WHERE are you?

that is just the thing
you're nowhere
you are NOT here
it doesn't matter what i say
it doesn't matter my voice
can't you hear it?
can't you hear the urgency in the message?
the fear, the rage, the tremor in the back of my life?

and yet
you say
How could i leave a message like that?
that i could find you if i fucking tried?
so what ever?

the anger is slow and boiling
i spend my best moments heat crazed my teeth
and my worst curled up rocking, crying
this is what you do to me
this is what i have lived with for my entire life

that i mean nothing
that nothing i do will change anything i touch
that i cannot be important to you
or to any one of you
this is me
this is Emily
this is who you have all been led to know and trust
and this is the demon
who will make every one of you hate her
because she isn't even worth knowing
this is who i fucking am

inside i AM ugly

if something
something so beautiful
so beautiful it was crazy
if even it
which i have guarded
and secured
if it could fall apart
within my own hands
how could i ever be worth anything then?

you don't understand
the fire by which i live
the flame by which i guide my careful life
is the very thing which consumes me
leaves me like this

you walk away
you know what it is inside of me
in me you can see what it is you want
what you desire
you see the fire of the stars of the universe
and you cannot handle
that it could all be put to you so simply
that everything you ever wanted was in me
that i was all
that scares you doesn't it?
who could be Lenore?

you do not want to be what beauty i see in you
as if the Madonna was to deny the artist, David in modeling
stepped down

you cannot handle my rapture
which is why a God so denies-
because you do not understand it

and i had thought you were the one
because when it was that i
thought that you too could see me
i stepped up.

is the study of the ugly
to get a sense of beauty
where as art is the study of beauty
to get a sense of the ugly.
Chiaroscuro, the argument of dark and light
i am the argument embodied

but you don't care

it goes on in me
that is the nature of my sanity
i am touched by each side

but you
don't care

i am the best thing
that has ever happened to you

but you?

Don't Care.

September 2017

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