blueimber: (Default)
there was a word
there was
a first thought
something sparked out in the darkness and the cold space of night
when the silence had descended and
under the quiet heard
that bell
for the first time
the sound of it coming down
the hope of a word
of a thought
it echoed your name.

like the first warning drumbeat
of a waking heart

but it will not rise
drugged with shame and dissatisfaction
laying there
oh flesh
filled with poison and

the drum beats again
you cannot deny who you are

the inspiration is only whispering
it gives these
when the world feels like it is on fire
and then
leaving behind in its wake something hungry
strips at my walls and
away i waste

i open my mouth and it is dust which escapes
it is everything i know crumbling down
it is
something calling to me
trying to pound against the walls
i have sealed myself in
telling me

telling me
i could escape.
blueimber: (Default)
i go over in my mind
how many times this month already
i have wanted to explain myself by saying
'February is historically a bad month for me...'
i didn't want to think about it at the outset of the month
in the hopes that i wouldn't jinx it

thank god it's a short one.

i am under a lot of stress at work
as i have mentioned here
in addition to learning new things to be responsible for
i am also under a kind of microscope for my work in the past six months since my last raise
the few and rare mistakes i make
blown up to enormous proportions and
to have to hear my boss say that she is disappointed
puts a mote of discontent into my heart--
why do i work so hard
only to see that work
unravel at my feet?

i mean, i will press on, and really it isn't that bad, usually by the afternoon i have everything ironed out
it is still affecting me right now---

one of the things i have been trying to do too
is to surround myself with friends and new people
i have gone out to events
called my old friends
even swallowed my pride and removed a weight in my heart about
the state of affairs in regards to some of my acquaintances
wiping the slate relatively clean and
willing to start fresh.

sometimes i wonder why i am so giving to people
for the most part
the way that i feel or the things that i want
are overlooked, denied, refused or turned away...

i feel myself slipping into melancholia
behind my eyes i feel the heat of unshed tears
how long has it been since i cried?
and even more importantly
when was the last time anyone cared?

i wanted this year to be more open and communicative
to be able to say that
this is bothering me
or that i am upset about this
rather than
bottling it and just swallowing all the time
i try to turn to people i thought i was close to, i thought i could confide in
i am met with such resentment and aggression
as if what i felt didn't matter
as if i could only act and speak about things
that were approved topics--

i mean
i don't know---

i listen to my friends
no matter what
be it about their shows or their jobs, about their hobbies or their lifestyles;
whether it is feelings or gossip or stresses or just needing to vent
i try and let everyone tell me everything they feel
and i try to engage and ask questions and learn about what they are saying--
and yet
the moment that i manage to formulate the courage to say
'i have been feeling ____ lately...'
it is as if i have crossed some unacceptable border--
no one will sit and listen to me
no one will take what i have to say and apologize or try and understand where i am coming from
people choose to block me from their lives and
refuse to at least sympathize
and i really have to wonder
what i have done
to make me so foul
and wretched to them?

my depression is a constant
everyday struggle
and given that most days i am happy and carefree
it says a lot
i manage it really well--
but the few times when the tide comes in deeper than i could have anticipated
and i actually reach out instead of turning in--
to have my hand slapped--
by those people who i have made the strongest efforts to be connected to
closest with--?
to hear the contempt in their voice as they tell me what they think my flaws are--
to feel hollow and like i am breaking when i only want to be close and they constantly move away--

do i really deserve that?

all that i do
all that i do and everyone that i do it for--
my selflessness
my giving nature
my desire to include everyone
to reach out to everyone
to treat people with fairness and loving kindness
just to constantly come around in circles
when i am at my worst
to not have anyone i can confide in
without fear of them becoming short with me---

it breaks me--

sometimes i wonder if anyone notices that i am slipping away
sometimes i wonder if anyone cares

one day i will be gone and it will be too late--

((this is why i give so much, try so hard
i appreciate everyone in the moments that i have with them and
when not with them, i am fond of them in memory
and no matter how much it hurts me to hear them say certain things
i am always open to listening to it, bearing witness to it--
but i am so tired of feeling like i am not allowed to feel or to express those feelings
i am so tired of being the one making all the effort.....))
blueimber: (Default)
((I can't remember if i posted this here when i wrote it. 12 pages. Enjoy!))

imagine there's no heaven

once we painted pictures
where our eyes should have been
and never could we seem to find them
for always there was just reflection in glass.

tonight i look to the bottom of the glass to see
if i am walking the line

the line the line the line
reminds me of
that fragile connection to
what happened september 11
oh how all i was searching for the line

else in our lives
the white is sometimes washed
grey almost
at the edges
as if there were nothing really pure in the world
but i see it in the undisturbances
pure comes along the rim of a jar
a flicker of shadow
and inking of line

to make days pass faster
before i can make the leap and take my fall
i surround myself with beauty
soon too i shall grow flowers
and make once more
those wonderful things in ovens
risen and hot
the metaphor lost on my
domestic self

you cannot always get what you want.

sometimes air hangs heavy off the line
and we hear the woman bring it in
across the lot from this new life

she askes me if it is worth it
and i tell her that of course it is

and we have this dialogue
my little girl and i
small talk in small voices
like whispers of the friends we were when
all there was was the moon

sometimes in this life you find
your twin born off from somewhere far
from where you were
but realize
you are exactly differently the same

so i live with her
and her
we all being the 'she's who make it this happen
this happen

buddah he smiles on it
zen in my garden of computers and paint brushes
my Jerry on the wall
giving his elastic smile with an interesting juxtapositioning in his hand
the papers of love
upon which are curling the gentle smoke of the word

the word

the word has lost meaning and sometimes i think
that i cannot speak it anymore
rare moments of clarity break down
into lucid wet paintings which
never seem
to be of anything at all
why is it
that he can paint it all one color
and yet i
who have such beauty seen
cannot even get a color
to express that violent feeling

((that was you in the shower
those were your eyes
it was me there

it was us
don't you remember?
and i fear my love is falling all apart again
all over again
as if as if as if
the bells ring the knell
and never
i whisper this, you see
i am already afraid
that it is lost
are you..
lost in all?
this tide
leaves me empty
oh where
has the wind
begot you?))

i place the steps to the delicate dance
upon the flooring of my soul
it is again
all mirrors
don't break
the glass
if shattered
like this love
it can never be rebuilt
makes you question
solemn irony
of once broken dreams all
in the matter of arangement
of how the pieces fall...

where does the word fall upon the
hapless ears of a
befuddled world?

this language is lost to me
it makes no more sense
and sometimes
i do not even understand myself

i surround myself with beauty

women are weak creatures in their passions
they come in to the counters
and talk to the ladies
all in black
who women deem
sit supreme
upon thrones of beauty
in judgement of
the ugly
they will plead before the bar
for justice and youth
with the contents of their wallets, souls
they come and plead
never once looking at themselves
and for what they ask
they touch their face
not looking
and motion to the mirror
never breaking eye contact
observe the mirror
remember alice
but instead their swan motions
as they deny what appears in the glass
and beg
for the salve
that could make beauty and light
in the soul

i don't deny what appears in the glass
and always
i hold it out to them who come
thinking me a judge
and finding me

a teacher

((sometimes i wonder if i would have
that last dinner
and be the woman
fluttering at his side
crying into his cup
when devils pierced his side))

but no
not denying the glass
almost always the glass delivers the line
raw upon the edge
a seam of blood
or perhaps
handed down
word of our departure from who we were

young ladies growing up

"in the room
the ladies come and go
talking of

sometimes i forget
yet remembering
sometimes the glass is only the surface under which
we have been denied

what did i write?
that it was like
being stuck in the sky
falling back into the water
of our lives
and being able to breathe again
that is how
suffocation feels
the lack of drowning

so is that how it was to be for us?

just like it wasn't blood

oh yes.
it wasn't blood
but remember
we thought it would be.

bleed the bad things out against the skin
until all the world was new again



wasn't it the end too
of that forefather?
and didn't he
become famous in his own right?

keep your wooden opinions to
we are not sick.

yes. not sick at all.

When the truth is found

When the truth is found
it will be revealed
that he never had a sweetheart
and he never had a home

always it served us
to listen quietly

for the orchestrations that
illustrate this life
lead on in many ways
but never let you really

hear the beat
as if god was playing baby grand
and all you could really hear
was the sway of his shoulders
as the reverie grips him

but he finally found a home

fell the fabled walls of jehrico
those trumpets
that sometimes you can hear
above it all

sound it
sound it
for we are ready
with extra water bottles
and batteries
to get us through the nights

all of my love falls around november

All of my Love Falls around November
ivory leaves and
beautiful crisp rose deadheads of color
our brilliant blue skies

shall we all meet in
the autumn?

oh it will be something to behold
this fall

and this time
when it happens
who will be behind the stars that catch us
as we fall up into the sky?

oh for the fall brings fireworks
and determines slowly in its right
how harsh our winter will be

will the snow drift us in until we must
cozy down and build a fire?
shall it all be rain and ice
where our heels slip out from under us
after achillies had taken his spill
and leave us on pavement
as nothing more
than sadness
and blood?

we pray to leda and
her swan down
for cozy thoughts of
the what could be
should ever
there again be
dangerous dangerous love.

he knew with his indifference before
he cast this about my neck
oh he knew
and to some degree
i bent the slender
so in all it would fit
the tighter
silver clasp'd chain around
to keep my soul
and thoughts
directed singularly
even when
i could not find the words.

((several days i had to break free of it
because the throes
gripped too hard
and i got bruises
i told them it was abuse of the love
they knew my secret smile
did not ask further))

Pianos sound the track of our footfalls.


gentle rain across the melody of life
sometimes she said
and i thought the whole world in that moment would
wash away.
all in our
an entire force in mourning
for the economy
is that all there is
to the world?
is that
all there is?

each day i break against the storm as
sunlight in the waking hours
for although the wind
blows through me like violins
it is the piano of
sun speckled clouds
within the seed of the sky
which prevails
as the resonance to which
we accord our lives.

we accord our lives to bus schedules
and try to make our ways home.

so it is that circles engender in
our gyre.

a deep breath and the chest sinks
proudness struggling
he is crippled and old
ah but the ladies promise youth!
won't pride step up
to the bar?

((She stamped her feet.
i remember this
when they cornered her and asked about

the jeans rolled up
and stuffed into the folds
of her purse
she stamped one yellow heel'd foot
making the motions
to either
or run
the girls placed their bets on her
but i
smiled silently
and knew that
double oh nine would take down
the bull))

all of it related and none of it tied together
but what if i gave you the key
of the between lines?
would you be able to find the secret alley
and claim your birthright'd treasure?
oh we talk of
misplaced youths and trusts
do we really know where it all had gone?

there are none of us who fit perfectly
because how can you possibly hope
to organize a puzzle this big
you can clearly see the table it is all laid out upon?

once, in our youth and childhood
we had two pictures going once
half the box had half of one puzzle
and the middle of another entirely
all summer was spent bowed over the small shelf
even when the lake called out its loon cry to us
at the moonlight
we sat and turned the pieces
mademioselle does borders
until i had
a simple outline of one world
colored in entirely with
centers of another

and not one clear picture
of either.

like songs without notes

you can never reconcile the image of the maker
with the story that unravels in your mind
always are the half truths of reality and
all the world in what you fantasize to be free

aristotle would have told us to get free

and the web of the words
falls away from me
as the world gives away back to the fog of life
because i thought perhaps i had learned something.

something to be said if
you read me

((indeed, she said
what could come of any of this?
no one hears what you cry in your corner in the dark anyways.

they hear
but most
choose simply to listen to what has been told
and then
cipher the curd from the whey
they wait for the dream to separate
for perhaps they wish to make butter
or perhaps
they just want to know that the undertow has sufficed
and shall draw its venom away from the surface of the
before they wade
into the fray


but don't you still hold
that it would all
sound better
in french?

would the language make any difference?


no. you would still not understand the words.
and this would be even less than nothing.

ah but
at least if it were in french
an excuse could be seen for why no one
gets it.

i am tired of excuses.

then why persist?

sometimes madness overflows.


yes. if only i knew french.))
blueimber: (Default)
this weekend promises to bring
the circle closer and back
oh we shall save this ribbon
for a darker day

from out the sad state
of which life presently has placed me
comes a weekend of salvation
at the mercy of boston
and all her salty tea

something convinces men
to not lay down next to me
to not stay after they've had their share
something tells them to leave me
laying alone
bitterly alone

all i want is an arm around me
all i need is to touch and be touched
and all those who have--
are so very far away.

but even those men...
even those boys---

if they love you
why do they leave
before darkness can even
take its prowling stance
why would they abandon me
to the cold and nightmares
to all the things i fear

this feeling---

this feeling....

he smiles at me from the supper table
as i scrape the last of the breadcrumbs into the trash
it is a silly grin
which exposes his teeth
white tablets with pink gums...
his parted lips, pink too, fleshy..
the smile still says i am hungry
altho i just fed him...

i walk up to where he is sitting in my kitchen
and place his head against my body
i kiss his forehead
and look down into his eyes
and he says he loves me
he doesn't know what he would do without me
but i know what he would do
he would not eat in my kitchen
he would eat in his real girlfriend's kitchen
the one in the house
where he lives
he is not mine
but he says he loves me
and i, alone, am willing to act
to wile away lonely...

his hungry smile
turns into gentle pulling
we tumble to my bed
and no kissing
no touching
almost instantaneous

and he says
as he grows inside of me
but he does not follow through
with owning me
he'll not kiss hard enough to mark me his
he'll not press my wrists
nor bruise my skin
he'll not make me unable to live without him...

as soon as he thinks i've had it
as soon as he hears me cry
he lays me down on my back
and like an animal
takes what i do not deny

and then i become less than what i am
when he pulls away from me
and in that moment after
when you're supposed to see the stars...
i am left cold and shaking

while he washes every trace of me
away from his skin
and makes me feel......
so worthless
so very very worthless.

and i think of what i have known
and i know i don't deserve this
and i think about what is in my heart
and i hurt to know what i am, have done--

it spirals
it gets worse

i keep hoping that one day
they'll stay...

but everyone leaves
don't they?

everything you love gets carried away.

i don't want to be the other girl anymore.

September 2017

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