blueimber: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]disturbing as it may sound
and also being one of those people who always swears to live with no regrets because we cannot change the past;
i would advise myself to react more emotionally in situations where i was hurt
and
to be willing to fail more thoroughly in certain areas
rather than find a quick fix or to soldier through certain messes.

I have always been a stand-up girl
no matter how often life has knocked me down or in what ways;
but i think it has also built walls within me that are now making
it very difficult to form emotional bonds in relationships with new people.
in my life now i always have a thousand contingencies
anticipating hurt and expecting it from everywhere
and while i am functioning
i am also numb.

I would trade my stability for an ounce of the destructive inspiration i used to have;
i would trade all my well being for the ability to inspire someone as fiercely as
the most damaged people i know do.

I never get to cry out 'i am wounded,'
i simply silently move forward
and just once i wish instead
i could howl my pain across the landscapes of my life--
blueimber: (Default)
Decided to answer this one cause, well, it's relevant--

[Error: unknown template qotd]The greater percentages of people whom i have loved are currently ranked amoung some of my very best friends;
with the exception of instances where the relationship actually became defined as a committed, boyfriend-girlfriend situation.
I suppose that is why i shy away from such labels; greatly- it seems the more eager a guy is to call you his girlfriend the more likely he is to break your heart into thousands of pieces;
even tho sometimes the guy who slanders any potential for more can break it worse.
But we are creatures of flesh and bone
and we have the instinct to get back up and keep moving once we are knocked down
and i think i am lucky that most of the people who i have decided to love have been good, decent people
and as they move on in their lives and find their happiness i am grateful for their joy
and to be able to witness it.

I suppose i am odd like that
to carry a mantle of genuine care and love for the lives i touch;
i don't need forever; i am happy for just a shared moment-
and sadly
not everyone can handle that;
not everyone can walk away or stand to be parted from it-
i am haunted by the memory of people whose smiles i remember and whose lives have faded so far into the void that i will never be able to touch them again--
it doesn't make them any less dear to me;
yet the emptiness left in their wake washes against my soul
and
impacts how i handle each new thing which washed up upon my shores-
tidal
waxing, waning.

The only thing i hope for, whenever i start anew
is that the person at least sticks around long enough to get to know me
and to understand me
and should such be the case
then remaining friends afterward
is happy and unawkward;
which is how i want to be surrounded. 

So mostly it works-  mostly. 

^_^
blueimber: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]The Indian native philosophy is that eclipses are harbingers of bad portents; that they are dark omens. The Eclipse has long been my 'family' sigil as well; Brian and Jeanette Healy of Eclipsos Armory being otherwise parents to me and our kin; the wild fantastical children of Sullivan and Orange Counties.  i kind of had cognizance of Eclipses before 5th grade, but that was the first rememberance i have of going outside to actually view a partial one.  It was definitely awesome.  I guess i see these as celestial events that don't have much significance to many people, but for those who perform rituals or try to draw on the energy surrounding an event to help boost their prayers or the effectiveness psychologically; that these are great times to try to plan around, since we can use math to determine when they would occur.  I suppose it must have been very hard before science and technology; since these kinds of events were steeped in religious superstition-- people must have been terrified that God or the gods and goddesses that be- was/were angry with them and or warning them to behave; and especially so when those who could calculate them used them to hold sway over those who accepted things on blind, illiterate faith. 

Still, eclipses have a magical effect on my moods and thoughts-  somewhere deep in my psyche the superstitions of thousands of years of ancestry cause me to feel a deep sense of connection to the workings of the world and sometimes durring events i feel like i am out of my own body, kind of floating a step or two behind myself; my perception seems more like i am piloting this body than actually tied to it; but of course, with my philosophies on the soul and reincarnation- that is no surprise. 

i wonder someday if there will be a signal before the world ends, and if that signal might include in some warped way an eclipse (There are two solar in 2012; one on May 20th and one on November 13th, just for those of the Mayan prophecy- there are also two Lunar; June 4th and November 28th) 

----------------------------------------------------
in other news;
i burnt my popcorn something fierce at work while trying to learn how to start the stitches for my little Cthulhu project.  I was sort of looking forward to the popcorn so i am fairly bummed- however [livejournal.com profile] arwengalen got me started on the round and i am really psyched that i seem to have gotten it.  my instructions are to work the pattern down to the next complicated part and we'll pick this up tomorrow.  *Squee*  Little Orange Cthulhu.  ^_^  He'll probably be monstrous.  

We also got notice of our raise amounts today from the VP; it's a little more than what i expected but not as high as my percentage last year before it was cut in half.  So it is sort of like a win situation. I managed to get exactly what i was hoping they would round me up to- and this year that little bit extra will cover most of the money lost in the unpaid time i had to request.  So i guess that balance is good. 

i am kind of feeling tumultuos today; i knocked out a project here at work with alacrity but i am behind on another and of course the afternoon distracts me.  Just two more hours--

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